handonthedoor

Some call it "nesting"

2011-12-18T17:19:00.001-08:00

Just a few results from all of the "Susie Homemaker" projects I've done over the past month. Why? Choose from as many of the following reasons:

a. it helps me de-stress

b. holidays remind me that I'd be a great stay-at-home mom... if it weren't for that whole not-being-a-mom thing

c. I'm off for a couple weeks - what else will I do?

d. I'm in denial

ASA'S BIRTHDAY CAKE

HOLIDAY CREATIONS

Since every year we have too many holiday cards to fit on our mantle, I decided to create a back up system. It's just an embroidery hoop decorated with clothespins (with nice holiday colored paper to make it "festive").

DOGGY TREATS! I felt bad that after making "human" Holiday Cookies, Asa, our "child", didn't get to take part in the celebration. So... she gets her own (and a few extras will go to her canine friends).

Speed bumps are evil

2011-06-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Both figurative AND literal. Lately I have become aware of them both. Silly realization, but nonetheless, both painful.

About 6 weeks ago, D and I found out that we were pregnant:) After all of the fertility treatments, the surgeries, the emotional roller coasters... it finally happened. The day that I found out, we were, needless to say, both ecstatic.. surprised... did I say ecstatic? But because of our struggles over the past year with this endeavor (and because I think we are both realists at heart), we decided to not let the good news go to our heads... wait until we got farther along in the pregnancy before we really celebrated. And this included sharing the news to only the parents (although I spilled the beans to a couple people who have really helped me during this difficult time). So at about 8 weeks, we did just that... told parents... and of course, they allowed themselves to get overjoyed. And we let them, all while knowing that D and I were trying to protect ourselves "in case".

Flash forward to the "in case".

The weekend after school got out for me, D, Asa and I went to visit my mom and Fred (to share the "good" news). But on the way back home, June 12th, (in Sacramento, nearly 2 hours away from home) I asked D to find the nearest hospital because I felt intense cramping and dizziness.

What appeared to be a viable pregnancy a week or so prior, turned out to be a rare type of ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured internally. So in the ER, after an u/s, docs could not find a heartbeat, and discovered that the embryonic sac was actually outside the uterus, and in fact inside the remaining part of the right tube (the tube I had surgery to close off in March). They rushed me into surgery to remove the rest of the tube (and the embryo) and noticed that I had lost so much blood from the rupture (it was just filling inside my abdomen) that if I had waited even a few more hours to come to the ER, I likely would have died.

Whew. I need to breathe just writing that.

The good news. D tells me I need to always try and find the silver lining, focus on the positive. It's not easy, but he's right. Good news is that I did survive. Barely, but I did. And even thinking about what D must have been going through while I was struggling physically? That hurts even more. How much more he could have lost that day. He's so strong, and always looks at things positively... I really love and admire him for that. And I need him for that. Because I know that as I heal physically, a new struggle (emotional) might appear... and for how long? Who knows. But D sees it another way... the other good news is that we DID get pregnant. Something we didn't even think could happen. So that is what we need to focus on... and through this speed bump (and any more that come along the way), I will try to look to that, along side D, as my focus.

A time to grieve

2011-04-05T19:22:00.000-07:00

Here I am, about 1 month post-op, waiting for my body to signal my next cycle of treatment in this journey toward trying to start a family. And in the last month, I've been feeling a mixture of emotions, ranging anywhere from hope to defeat. But at the request of a friend (thx JRC), I started following a forum of supportive fellow infertilites. And I read something that completely changed my view on the whole process. It read, " To many, this process and struggle may not seem like a hard situation. For me, it was as tough as losing my mother, my best friend."

Whoa....

Reading those few words.. it really made me start thinking about where to place my anger, frustration, sadness, etc, etc, etc.

And I had a realization. A big one.

15 years ago, my brother, Jason passed away. Jason and I were extremely close, and I still feel I mourn the loss of him from my life. But for some reason, this year has been particularly difficult, I couldn't say why, it just has. I miss him so much, yet feel he is with me everyday, even through my struggles.. especially then. But when I read that comparison of infertility with death, I began to see my severe mourning of Jason as really a manifestation of my sadness over the loss of a child that never was... and may never be. And though I still miss Jason immensely, it was both struggles that compounded one.

Jason's future, his dreams, his hopes, his plans... all were cut short. Taken away. And in some sense, infertility feels the same to me. It feels like a very slow, agonizing, dragged-out release of the dreams and hopes for the future, especially those thoughts of conceiving and carrying, and finally holding your child. For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed of having a child. I've imagined and felt love for this child. But to mourn means to find a way move past the "should be" and face the "what is".

As we begin to educate ourselves on all the potential avenues we can take in this exhausting journey, this realization has left me wondering where I will find the strength to untangle that "should be" and "what is" in order to find peace for both Dave and I as we deal with the painful reality.

Feel like a pin cushion?

2011-03-07T13:26:00.000-08:00

So I just celebrated my 36th birthday last month. Well, I use the word "celebrated" very loosely, since it seemed that everywhere I looked friends and/or family were either announcing their pregnancies or asking me that annoying question, "So when are you and Dave going to have a baby?" To which I almost always reply, "We'll see" (hoping to divert the subject to another topic less painful to talk about.

About 18 months ago, Dave and I decided it was time (because yes, as those friends and family so poignantly pointed out, we were getting old) to start thinking about a family. It's something we both have always wanted, there was no question there. The issue was timing. I wanted to make sure that I had a secure job, so we decided that nothing could happen until after I finished my Masters and was employed. That was the plan at least.

Fast forward to February, 2010. My first visit to the endocrinologist for infertility to just ask questions.... how long should we try before worrying, am I too old, etc. After those questions (and many others) were answered, we met with a couple doctors who decided promptly that we should begin testing on both Dave and myself. And long story, short, Dave's fine. Unfortunately, they cannot say the same for me. In fact, they cannot really say anything, because, like a lot of fertility issues, there is no answer. At least not yet. So after a year now of a times blend of pills, and shots (see the hundreds of tiny vials in photo above), and even inseminations, we're at a crossroads. Apparently I am a "perfect" candidate for IVF (in vitro fertilization) because one of my fallopian tubes is blocked and basically ineffective. But that same tube appears to be interfering with the "good" tube's ability to function. But, as with most people, my bank account isn't as perfect of a candidate for IVF.. with costs for that type of procedure ranging from $9,000 to $20,000 a session).

So I opted for the more realistic avenue... at least at this point... which is getting an answer as to what might be wrong with me. I KNOW I can handle the truth and reality, even if it's the worst of news. What cannot cope with is the unknown. So tomorrow, March 8, 2011 I am having a laporascopic (possibly hysteroscopic) surgery to "explore" what's going on. My surgeon (who is not my regular endocrinologist doctor, but don't get me started on that!) thinks that there is likely scar tissue (thanks again to the drunk driver who caused that scar tissue to form) that is causing the tubal blockage, and hopes are to either clean that tissue out, and/or cut the nonworking tube to detach it completely, leaving the "good" tube free to do its thing. So, we'll see what happens tomorrow. I look forward to 2 immediate, short term things: 1. finding an answer, and 2. eating (I have to fast, so I am starving!!!).

Because it's been too long...

2011-03-02T17:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, I know. Been going through some stuff... will post more on that subject very soon.

Recently I had the misfortune of having my iPhone stolen... out of my desk drawer.. by a student! Kids these days! AARRGGGHHH!!! The good part of the whole situation was that I got to get the new iPhone 4.. and of course, then play with all of its features and upgrades:) So here are a few of the photos I took with my new camera... I mean phone;)

Back to it...

2010-09-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Week 3 has ended... and yet it feels like it's been months already. I'm speaking of school... and sadly am already counting the weeks until next summer. Not because I don't love teaching (which I DO!), but more so because I feel I got ripped off this last summer trying to recuperate from my foot surgery. I know, I know, stop complaining. But it has been pretty difficult to get around at school (as I expected it would be). And I fear that the surgery was in fact a waste of time. But the good part is that I'm not really any worse off (that's my way of seeing the silver lining. Pretty pathetic, huh?). The pain is about the same as it was before, just a little more swelling. I'll live.

Yes, I'll live.

To go, or not to go...

2010-07-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

That is the question.. really, it is.

I continue to battle with the repercussions of another's choices...
About 3 weeks ago, I got some minor surgery to my foot (toe, really) to repair some damage that resulted from the drunk driving crash over 13 years ago. The surgery (I cannot recall the arthroplasty name right now) was very minimal, but was an attempt at lessening the pain I feel on a daily basis. We'll see how that works out;)
But as I am healing from this surgery... and it seems to be progressing as normal, I had another set back... both physically and emotionally (the latter always seems to take the front seat). Dave and I had scheduled a mini vacation, a getaway to literaly just lay around in the pool and RELAX! And of course, me being me, I coordinated this trip completely around 2 things: summer break AND my surgery date.
So my last pre-op visit had be extremely optimistic. His evaluation made a smile appear (a rare occurrence)... because he told me I would have no reason to believe that I couldn't enjoy my upcoming vacation (1.5 weeks away at that point)... including swimming. YAY! A step forward! YAY!
Wrong. Flash forward to 3 days out from the trip.
I notice, in my daily changing of the bandage (which is actually just a band aid) that there appears to be a small amount of drainage. This means that my incision site is not closed completely... meaning it's not a good idea yet to get the area wet. Awesome. Well, there goes the entire point to my vacation. Literally, the only thing I have planned during the week is to lay by the pool.. but more accurately, lay IN the pool (it's 115+ degrees where we are going!).
Okay, so I know you're probably thinking "big deal, get over it, it'll all be fine." And to some extent, I agree. However, this whole fiasco, although it may seem small, is not really even about swimming, or walking, or whatever. It's about the fact that even though I've developed a defense system to "deal" with these issues as they arise, I shouldn't HAVE to "deal" with them... because I didn't make the choice to have these issues. The drunk driver did.
So the true upset on this is a continuous battle I struggle with because of another's actions. The seemingly constant battle of 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
And this was at least 2 steps backwards in terms of my emotional well being. On this particular battle, between the tears and rage, I asked myself "is it even fair that I have to consider not taking this vacation?" But I did... I asked.. explored all possibilities... and came to a conclusion.

More to come...

Although a little pissed off, I am still alive

2010-07-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

Hey hey! Remember me? I am in fact still around, but barely checking this blog anymore, mostly because I keep up with folks and the oh-so-exciting life I lead on, dare I say it.... Facebook. I know, I know silly as it sounds, I'm there, that's where you can find me... and where I can find most of you. But the other day, I was looking at one of my friend's who is very disciplined in his bloggings (you know who you are). And I honestly wondered "does my blog page still exist after more than a year of non-use?" What do ya know, still here, patiently waiting for my attention... so I'll try to get back to keeping it company... for some things.

When I went back to look who is as bad as me and who was blogging away, I realized, more than ever before, that this "blog" thing is like a diary... and it was something that offended and upset me a little. I was reading personal stuff about my small group of blogmates (some really close friends)... stuff that I feel I should have already known about before... oh I don't know.... all of cyberspace! I felt as though I was being kept from some secrets just because I didn't check my blog. What's wrong with this?

I'll tell you what's wrong with this... everyone cares more about how much easier it is to say "check my blog" or "did you see my tweet" or "liking" another person's Facebook status than engaging in actual personal relationships and the joys of sharing experiences - good and bad.

I was recently talking with a close friend about how sometimes we need to take a few steps back and look at our friendships to analyze whether or not they are... how do I say this... as important in our lives as they maybe used to be.

Ironic...

And although I am genuinely hurt by at least one of my fellow blogmates, I can get passed it and have forgiven this person for their neglect.

But tissue box in hand, I also have begun to analyze this "friendship"...

For....ev....er

2009-05-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

Wow... I cannot believe that the last time I posted was right after my b-day! I am terrible! No, actually I think the word is "busy."
Let's see where to start... well, since then I have completed the long, stressful journey of becoming legitimized... as a credentialed teacher, that is. I have graduated with my Masters, and good news, I still have a job next year (good thing b/c I have to start paying back that student loan).
On a more personal level, the world lost an amazing person in March (I know, I know... March is NOT a good month for me and my family - sorry Dave). My grandfather, Eugene Yakes passed on and went to meet his maker (as he always eagerly said he would), but the rest of us miss him tremendously... including me. I was, as were all of the grandkids, incredibly close to him. The most giving, loving, funny, honest, faithful, inspiring... nearly perfect man. He touched everyone he met (evident by the hundreds of mourners who visited our family at funeral services that week). A true patriarch and leader of our family, he will be missed. I am happy that he is where he wants to be, and even happier knowing he is with other special people who have been taken from our presence.
We love you, Grandpa.

#34... here I come!

2009-01-12T19:38:00.001-08:00

So this week is my b-day (hence the #34 reference in the title), and someplace I have always wanted to go was La Fondue www.lafondue.com in Saratoga, CA. And finally...

Saturday night, Dave arranged for us, along with our very best friends, Dan and Charmaine to try this place out... and man, were we rolling in style! While I thought the best part was that I got to spend an evening with great people and fun food, I got to be escorted to Saratoga in a limo... weird, I know, it's just a b-day, and not a "big one" at that. But hey, my husband sees celebrations for what they are... and this was... well, is actually. I think the reason for the slight splurge is because I am only about 1 month shy of getting my Masters finished up, and I know that in my life, it's a big accomplishment. It's been some time since I have began such a large goal and actually been lucky enough for the planets to align long enough for me to reach it (well, that's not true, there's one other area, and he knows who he is).

Anyway... yay! for me! And yay! for great family and friends!

I suck, I know

2008-12-22T19:01:00.001-08:00

I know it's been way too long since my last post. To be honest, I forgot that I was doing this for a while. Oops! My minds gets away from me when I get busy.

Anyway, things are good... school is great. I still love it. My students are awesome, and I will miss them (only a little though) over the next 2 weeks off. Ah yes, one of the perks of teaching... lots of breaks! So, over the break I plan on getting to a lot of those things that have been neglected during the first part of the school year (basically, a head start on "Spring cleaning"). But one of the things I would like to do is to discover a way to replicate a yummy sandwich that I recently ate. There is this place in downtown SJ that D&C took us to called the Poor House Bistro. I never knew it was there, and now wish I never discovered it! Because I had the best BBQ Chicken Po'Boy sandwich so full of flavor and spicy enough that I could not feel my lips! Yummm-my! But I cannot seem to find any recipes that sound like the same tasteful experience. So, if any of you have any hints for me... please, please, please, pass it on! I don't want to have to drive the 30 minutes each time I want that sandwich!

What else.... my studies are going very well also. In fact I will have my Masters degree completed by the first week in February!!!

Well, I hope everyone has a great holiday and new year. I am not usually one for resolutions, but if I had to pick one, it would be to "try" and keep this blog updated. I said "try"...

What an honor

2008-10-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

Here is an update for all of you who are wondering where I have been and why I have not been blogging lately. Well... that is mostly because I am so incredibly busy with school.... and it's going very well, I must say. So well in fact that I was given the honor and recognition as Teacher of the Month! I was, of course, confused and surprised but so very honored. Presented with a framed certificate and the privilege of the corresponding parking space, I accepted this honor, given to me by students that are not in any of my classes. I am not certain what the criteria is, but nonetheless, I am very honored and proud of such a recognition so early in my career.

Oh, and that feels good... great... to say.. my career. It might be still early yet, but I feel as though I have finally found a job that I look forward to each day.

BTSN

2008-09-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

As if it's not been hard enough to adjust to 150 different students and their needs in the classroom, I must now adjust to the needs of their parents as well. Thursday night, I experienced my first Back To School Night (BTSN) at my school, where a surprisingly large amount of parents and grandparents came to see what their child's classrooms looked like.. although for a new teacher like myself, it felt more like a judgement. So after a very long, yet successful day of teaching, we basically were asked to stay and do it all over again, but in the much shorter 10 minute class periods.

It went very well I think, considering I had no idea what to expect... was 10 minutes going to drag out? Be too short? When that 15 hour work day came to and end (and no, you don't get paid for that extra time), parents were nice, excited about their child's classes, and I felt successful, relieved, and exhausted.

Stay tuned... next week is my first fundraiser for my yearbook class which involves the teachers (including myself), students, and projectile water balloons???? Ugh... the things we do for our kids.

I have survived 2 weeks

2008-09-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... it's been way too long since my last post. Hey! Leave me alone! I have been incredibly busy. I am barely keeping my head above water in my new career change.... I knew becoming a teacher would not be easy, but I was not prepared for how hard it would be on me physically. In addition to the many hours I spend outside of class on preparation for the next day or week, I am finding myself extremely fatigued and sore each night... so any free time and energy I have goes to my studies towards graduation (only a few more months!!!).

It has been a tough transition and roller coaster of confusion being a new teacher, not accustomed to my school's routines and procedures. But all in all, I like it (so far). Although... check back in about a month when I have begun the evaluation process by my both my Masters program professor and my Principal! Yikes! Talk about pressure!

Not So Great America

2008-08-11T06:51:00.000-07:00

So this weekend Dave and I went to California's (or is it Paramount? I forget) Great America with a bunch of folks. This was my first visit to the park... and probably my last...
Now I am a long-time fan of roller coasters.... even though my body is... umm... let's say, getting too old to handle that kind of physical force... but dangit, I still crave the thrill! My last experience at a similar park (Magic Mountain - my all-time fave) left both Dave and I feeling wrecked and slightly sick. But, in the interest of good fun with friends (and since I had never been to this park), I was willing to give it a try (armed with Dramamine, just in case).
It was a fun day. Let me just start with that. It was absolutely fun. Barely any lines nearly the entire day. And I handled the rides perfectly. Fun. So fun that I am not ready to give up my love for the coaster. But here's why I doubt I will ever go back to Great America. In the 5ish hours that we were there, we went on about 6-8 roller coasters. Could someone please tell me why nearly half of those were "experiencing technical difficulty" as soon as we reached the front of the line? Literally... the rides were working, but when our group neared the front, the rides stopped. We were beginning to think it was a sign.... that we were pressing our luck or something. Which of course did not stop us from still getting on the ride after it started to work again... maybe that was why all of the lines were so short?
Anyway, not a good first impression of Great America in my opinion. Yes, I had a great time, with great people, but I doubt they will be getting my money ever again.

Extended tour of beautiful Richmond, CA

2008-07-31T15:54:00.001-07:00

Naomi and I at the fire station (read below for the "why").

It wasn't me! I didn't do it!

2008-07-31T15:25:00.000-07:00

For those of you who might recognize this scene, I think I'd rather hear your story.

Okay, so now that I've got your attention... yes, that is me... and yes, I am sitting in an interrogation room. Ah yes, Room 2... such memories... good times...

Alright, alright, I'm sure I didn't fool any of you... if you know me at all, you're waiting for the catch because the good, law-abiding citizen I am would never land me in such a predicament. And you would be right.

This past weekend, a friend from work took me on a "tour" of a local Police Department and all it's wonder, including the frightening interrogation room, a place I would imagine nobody EVER wants to visit. However, its implication of wrong-doing intrigued me. I'm not sure if it was my fascination in the upside down justice system or my obsession with criminal shows like The First 48... but either way, I needed to see and feel what it was like inside that little room. Hoping that my claustrophobia would not kick in, I was locked in Interrogation Room 2, being viewed and heard by my friend and her brother (who got me the privileges to take the RPD tour). And here were some of my surprises:

1. it wasn't as cold as I would have expected

2. the camera was way too easy to find

And all in all, I thought that sitting in the chair of criminals would freak me out, panic me. Although, I did not do anything wrong... do you think had anything to do with my calmness?

Anyway, we were able to get a recorded video of us in the interrogation room (which is kind of boring since you know we are innocent). The tour of RPD ended when we arrived at what I call the cherry on top.... a local firehouse... need I say more?

Niles Dog Show

2008-07-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

Doggy Day fun! This weekend, we took AsaMalla to the Annual Niles Dog Show in the sleepy district of Fremont. As last year, we didn't care about the "show" part, but instead really took her so that I could see all the cute pups! And last year she had her first attempt at swimming... and.. this year was not much different... she again, attempted, but wasn't real hip to the idea of going out any farther than she could still feel the solid ground beneath her. So Dave, being the trooper he is waded in the water with her, trying to reassure her. She only looked up at him as if to say, "go ahead, I'll watch from here." So we let her off leash (like we did last year), and she decided it was more fun to run around in the dirt instead. Maybe she needed her BFF Nacho (a water lover) there to coax her in? Oh well, maybe next year.

But on a side note, can someone tell me why she always sticks her tongue out at me in pictures?

Mr. and Mrs. Chow

2008-07-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

This weekend Dave and I attended a very good friend's wedding in SF. We are both so incredibly happy for the happy couple. And it is so great to see my good friend Brian finally find someone who is worthy of his amazing spirit and generosity. Congrats you guys!

Now while the wedding was beautiful as expected, the reception was less... well, let's just say less. The reception was held at a Chinese Seafood restaurant in Union City. Now if you have ever been to this style of dinner, you will understand the difficulty we experienced at our table. Let's just say that there is a giant Lazy Susan in the middle of the table, which holds all the food and drinks. So, with every turn, I held my breath in anticipation of mess about to erupt upon any one of the ten guests seated at our table. And... as luck would have it.. Dave was the one on the receiving end. And it's not even a good story... nothing that includes a fun or drunken activity... just a stupid, clumsy waiter who decided to pile more food onto the spinning Lazy Susan, in the process, knocking the single glass of red wine on the table into Dave's lap! And all the waiter had to say was (imagine in a Chinese accent), "Oh! So Sorry! Be careful!" What? Be careful? Really? he was telling Dave to be careful? And no offer to even bring Dave a glass of water, a new glass of wine or even a clean napkin to replace his that had been soaked in grape goodness. So, poor Dave didn't even dare to get up from his chair the entire night (which meant no break dancing!).

But in case you are wondering, that stuff you see late night on TV called Oxy Clean.... it works! Good thing too.... we told Brian that they could expect to see a dry cleaning bill waiting upon their return from their honeymoon:)

"Smarty Pants"

2008-06-23T11:22:00.001-07:00

As noted in my previous blog (if you can call it that, being that it was barely even a sentence), I mentioned that I had recently overcome a pretty big hurdle in my quest to become a teacher. Passing the CSET proved to be a surprisingly huge challenge, one that I was beginning to think would deflate me and hopes for sure. This test was one thing that was keeping me from progressing in my Masters/Credential Program... but alas! Whew!
So, this past weekend, my very good friends, Dan and Charmaine (and their pup, Asa's BFF, Nacho) were kind enough to celebrate with Dave and I over some drinks and dessert. What makes them such great peeps is that they thought that we were only celebrating something as silly as a little test. Yes... a test that has had me in knots and caused great distress... but nonetheless, nothing that really deserves my favorite cake, adorned with the "Smarty Pants" personalization!
Before the dessert, but during the drinks, I let D&C in on a little secret... I had something much bigger to celebrate... because of my success on the CSET I was able to accept a position at a local high school teaching photography... FULL TIME!! I never imagined that I would have a contracted, F/T teaching job before I finished school. So, beginning in the Fall and for the 2008-2009 school year, Mrs P. will be molding young minds into budding artists... scary!!!!!

Pinch me! This is too good to be true. I'll be eating cake... if you can find me:)

What a relief...

2008-06-16T18:39:00.001-07:00

Whew! No more crazy hard state certification tests! I finally passed ALL of them! Yippee!

New toys

2008-06-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I know I have been just terribly about posting lately, but I swear it's for a good reason. The school year is nearing its end (thank goodness!!!!), which is great, but it does not mean that things slow down for me... at all. When the school year is over, I will still have 2 other jobs plus my own schooling... ugh... I won't bore you with the details... at any rate just know that I have been preoccupied with more important events...Like trying to put a small cushion of comfort in the wallet because of the insane gas increase. I know, I know, everyone keeps complaining about how high gas prices are (FYI, it's an average of about $4.50 here in my neck of the woods)... and yes, I am one of them. So...

Dave and I decided to make a couple investments that we thought might help out our situation (selfish, I know). And here they are...

Dave got this fun little scooter that gets about 80-90 miles per gallon! Yes, it's only a 2 gallon tank, but still! We are already saving a lot on gas, as he is using it as his commuter vehicle.

Silly, silly man...

I know, I know, it seems like I got the better end of the deal, huh? My new Jeep:)

2008-04-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

Check out this storm cellar in my mom and Fred's home in OK! Just kidding... their storm cellar is beneath the staircase, but isn't this where you'd really love to be if a tornado was headed your way?

guilty much?

2008-04-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

That is a guilty look if I ever saw one.

how's it going? not good...

2008-04-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

So I am just under 1 month into my teaching experience and I am contemplating ending it there... (the experience, that is... nothing any more dramatic than that). Even with the advice of my peer teachers, things have not improved in the classroom. The overwhelming attitude of 38 8th graders still rears its ugly head... in fact most days, I am waiting for the bell to ring as much as they are... and the faster I can get to my car and cry, the better.
But some exciting things have happened since my start... let's see... I broke up a fight, was warned that a separate fight might occur, handed out endless detentions, dodged objects in flight (including a stool), nearly lost my voice from having to constantly talk over them. Funny part is, I can't really recall many instances when I have done any teaching. I am simply babysitting... and not a very good job at that (as seen in examples above).
So I ask myself, "Is it worth continuing?"

Answer: TBA

Oh the joy of 8th graders

2008-04-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

So some of you know that I have started a new job (and some of you might be keeping score that, yes, technically that means I am up to 3 jobs now) teaching 8th grade Art at a local middle school. Since I have only experienced 1 week of these students, I am going to keep this entry short and to the point in order to not discourage myself from the learning process of it all. Hopefully, I will be able to add more as my time with them progresses through the remainder of the school year (I am already counting the days left).

Basically, it was... to say the least, not easy... and not fun. Factors such as class size (38 students) and school geography/socio-economical status, added with my inexperience produced a depressing result to my first week as a teacher: failure. But, I am always up for a challenge, so I am not giving up... it's a learning experience, and I am soaking it all in.

I can sum these 8th graders up in 2 statements:

1. They make the gang-affiliated, incarcerated youth offenders I teach through Juvenile Probation seem like angels.

2. One student drew me a sketch on the first day of my instruction that was titled "Welcome To hell."

Enough said...

Baby steps...

2008-03-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

No, no, not those kind of baby steps... the figurative kind. The kind that say "you'll get there, one step at a time." And it looks like I am heading in that direction.. the direction of a goal that I have been working so hard towards... the goal of becoming a teacher.
On April 8th, I will begin teaching my own class! This opportunity is giving me the chance to teach a class of 8th graders about reaching their artistic expression and abilities... and hopefully gain the true classroom experience. I will still continue to work at my current job, but P/T, as this teaching gig is only a P/T job as well. And I will keep on track with school, working towards my Masters in Education. Basically, at the middle school I will be teaching the single elective Art class for about 30 8th graders. And since it's the only Art class, it is also only 1 class period a day (hence the need for supplemental income). However, I am choosing to view this from an opportunistic perspective. These are my baby steps. I am able to just dip my toes in the pool, not be forced to jump into the deep end before I am ready. And hopefully this will get me ready.
I am all too familiar with taking baby steps towards an objective... which is usually followed by a fall to my butt... let's hope (and then hope some more) this time things will keep moving upright and forward.
And I am sure there will be follow-up posts to this one in the coming weeks when I will be ready to pull out my hair.

Ahhh, Springtime

2008-03-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

So last year, D and I decided to try our hands (or thumbs, rather) at a vegetable garden. Starting out small and inexpensive (to minimize the feeling of defeat if we failed miserably), we planted 2 kinds of tomatoes and zucchini. Well, the zucchini did not take at all and died almost immediately (I still say that we got a bunk plant). But the tomatoes! They were strong, hearty and plentiful! Yum!

So, this year, in addition to planting more veggies, I decided to see how my thumb is in the floral department. We have this perfect little flower bed in our backyard, just begging for filling. So, at my first ever attempt at planting flowers, here she is! We'll see what happens (and if we can keep Asa Malla and her BFF Nacho out of it!)...

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy?" Ben Franklin

2008-03-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Let me start be saying that I love beer (get ready for my whining). But who knew, all this time, I have (along with the rest of the country) been complaining about how much prices at the pump have risen, feeling slightly guilty with my decision in purchasing a Jeep (which I LOVE!!). So now, the rise in oil not only increases the dent in my pocket, but ultimately affects my yummy, calming brewski? This is insanity! Ok, I get the alternative fuels pitch. But when farmers are planting more corn in order to meet the *demand* for ethanol, where does that leave barley and wheat? And forever, there was an oversupply of hops, but now it's gone... oops.

So not only do I feel the pressure from driving my gas-guzzler, but I can't even relax with a cold beer (and lately, I deserve such a leisure) without feeling guilty or worse... broke?

Broke at the pump... broke at the pub... what's next.

Guess I will have to start drinking wine (I hear silent cheers from my husband).

Smile with me today...

2008-03-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

I saw you last night.
I could still hear you this morning.
I awoke feeling heavy…
Not the expected sorrow,
but a welcoming warmth.

Where are you now?

Since I can never know,
I will choose...

Yesterday you left,
today you are gone,
but tomorrow you will be here…
Still…

I miss you.

I will always miss you.

I will always miss and love you.

2008-03-09T11:29:00.000-07:00

DO NOT take my picture!!!!!

(just like her, mom... Asa does NOT like her picture being taken)

"Why?" you ask?

2008-03-04T12:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, so at the risk of divulging any mystery or intrigue about the "handonthedoor" blog name, I ask... are you curious? Some of you, I know are... so this is for you...
Actually, there really isn't anything too interesting or deep about it, in fact, it's not even as accurate as I thought when I chose it... and, it's even a bit embarrassing;)
I suppose it's no secret to those of you who know me that there are many days that I battle with that single day's existence and its inevitable end. I'm sure we all have felt that way on occasion (maybe more than we admit), but I feel this struggle on most days. Good days, on the rare occasion, of course can't last long enough, while the all-to-frequent long and trying days seem to never end. But sometimes, on those difficult days, I can usually try and find something to look forward to, because I know that day will end... eventually (I mostly contribute this to the company I keep; positive energy is contagious).
I know, I know, get to the reason for "handonthedoor"... well, if you read below, you'll see the lyrics to one of my favorite Cure songs. A song that, while it might differ from Robert Smith's intended meaning, I found to be words that made me see that tomorrow will be here, and although the present might be full of fear and anxiety, if I look at it as only a dream, I can look ahead and prepare myself to move out from the darkness. But here's the funny part... I got the lyric wrong... all these years I have considered myself a fan of The Cure, and thought the line was "hand on the door", when it's actually "head on the door"... lame, I know. Makes me laugh to admit that, but it's true...
And I suppose there's a split meaning for me... no matter how much I am struggling, that teeny, tiny little glimpse of what might lie ahead is what keeps me going, makes me want to wake up everyday. I will admit, I do like a challenge (although, yes, there are some I'd rather do without), so maybe the possibilities on the other side of that door are what I yearn for... all I can do is brace myself enough to grip that handle and turn... and hope that I am strong enough to handle whatever presents itself.
Guess it just goes to show that you can take a line, established and belonging to another, and hear it differently, thus interpreting and relating it to your own life... does that mean it becomes yours?????
Or... I could just blame it on his British accent.... yeah, let's go with that one... my cheeks aren't as flush now;)

"Close To Me" by The Cure

I've waited hours for this
I've made myself so sick
I wish I'd stayed asleep today
I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
This close to me

Just try to see in the dark
Just try to make it work
To feel the fear before you're here
I make the shapes come much too close
I pull my eyes out
Hold my breath
And wait until I shake...

But if I had your faith
Then I could make it safe and clean
If only I was sure
That my head on the door was a dream

I've waited hours for this
I've made myself so sick
I wish I'd stayed asleep today
I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
This close to me

But if I had your face
I could make it safe and clean
If only I was sure
That my head on the door
Was a dream

First Photos w/ Pentax

2008-03-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

One down, one to go!

2008-02-11T18:08:00.000-08:00

For the few of you who might actually read this, you are most likely aware of my recent endeavors and trials of becoming a teacher in CA. Along with the credential/Masters program that I am enrolled in through the University of Phoenix, I am also required to take (and of course, pass) a state exam toward my subject matter - Art. This test, Called the CSET (California Subject Examination for Teachers) is supposedly the most difficult of all state tests, sometimes forcing a prospective teacher to repeat the test multiple times (as I was prepared to do myself). Basically, for someone like me who wants to teach at a secondary (high school or middle school) level, only one subject, the exam content is based on a set of content specifications reflecting the subject area to be taught... in my case, Art.

So... for me, there are 2 subtests... the first one mainly about content, art history, cultural aspects of art, etc. On January 12th, after about 3 months of cramming from Cave Art through.. well, anything current, I took Subtest 1... and felt pretty well-prepared. Until my #2 pencil met the scantron answer sheet... at which point I swear I was taking the wrong test... it was vaguely reminiscent of what I had spent studying for the past months. After about 3 hours, I departed the testing area, pretty confident... not that I had passed, but rather that I guessed on about 90% of the questions. So it's bad enough that I was certain that I had failed, but to find out that if I don't pass the whole test by a certain date, my program (school) will be put on hold until I meet those requirements... thus prolonging my schooling by at least 6 months. So the past week or so have been... to say the least... NOT FUN! Uncertainties about my future have been getting the best of me... until I finally glance at my calendar and see that February 11th is the day I should find out the results of Subtest 1... waiting.... checking email... waiting... checking email... ah ha! Finally! But do I dare open it? The results of this tiny little test will shape at least the next year of my life! Am I prepared for either answer? Not really... but I open it anyway.......................

"ART Subtest 1 Status: PASS"

Could it be? Is this real? Yes, I know it's only half of the test, but wow! I was certain that I would have to retake it... was even prepared to start the studying process over again. I even checked the email 3 different times to make sure that it read "PASS".

Anyway, yes this was a long-winded way to say that I had passed, but it felt more appropriate to give a sense of the anxiety, anticipation, worry, eagerness, patience.. uh, stress.... all that I had been going through the past month. And, I will most likely go through some of that again soon, after I take Subtest 2... but hey, I guess I can feel some comfort in knowing that I must be a really great guesser when it comes to tests;) I will take any honest advantage I can get.

Just one more hurdle, albeit a slight stumble, in my quest to become a teacher.

New Toy!!!!

2008-01-22T12:25:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday to me!! As a b-day present to myself, I finally upgraded my 4 year-old point and shoot digital camera to a more grown-up version... and here it is! After about a year of shopping around, playing around, dancing around (the idea, that is, that I was worth spending the money on) and weighing a lot of digital SLRs (literally and comparatively), I concluded that the Pentax K10D was the best fit for me. I won't bore you with all the techy specs, but you can ooh and ahh at the picture if you like;)
I actually had a fairly pleasant buying experience as well. I purchased the pretty little thing through www.digicombos.com, a website recommended to me by my D.C. Diva, Michele. While I was a bit skeptical about buying from a "bundle" company, they worked with me to get what I wanted, for a great price, and would you believe that they shipped it to me (from NY) overnight... for FREE!!!!
Of course I have had no chance to play around with it yet, but the main reason I chose the Pentax over the other popular brands (besides that my buddy David O. has one and LOVES it) is the ergonomics... Being a photographer... and artist... and uh, right-handed... it is very challenging when you don't have any sensation or muscle strength in the hand that is generally used to.. well, take a photograph (let's face it, it's a right-handed world!!). Therefore, I chose the camera that had the most comfortable body shape and weight for my crippled hand... it's a handicap, yes, but I won't allow that to keep me from exploring my passions. So thank you, Pentax for making a camera that "fits" me:)
So, hopefully soon, I will be able to figure out how to use this thing and I will post images from time to time... stay tuned!!!

Ah, yes... I am joining all the 'cool' kids.

2008-01-17T07:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay... so maybe I am a bit behind here with the fantastically chic blogger trend... wait, is it even considered a trend anymore? In a world where it seems everyone has a blog in some way, shape, or form, I decided that maybe I need to jump onto that party boat, indulge in some of that fancy and stupendously delicious punch that gives you a chance to let go... free your mind... foster and expel emotions... say it like you see it... and on occasion (albeit too rare, from my perspective) share some outstanding news. So why not? Well... here's the 'why?'... because last year, at this time, I decided to create a different kind of blog where I vowed to make an effort towards visually capturing the world around me... everyday... well (and I'm sure you can see where this is going), that lasted until about August (and that was a leg-cramping, side-splitting stretch). In an attempt to look back and view what 2007 looked like to me, I realized that right about when I stepped toward my future and enrolled in grad school, my world (as you could see if you had been keeping up with my photoblog) became non-existent... pretty sad, I know. So the 'why not?' you say? Well, isn't it obvious? Try, try, try... fail, fail, fail... story of my life. But that story keeps on moving because even though it feels like I am always taking backwards steps, I can see what's a few steps in front of me, so I feel the desire to try, try, try and reach it... My hand on the door, always wondering how far I am able to get if I just keep trying (of course, never quite prepared for the inevitability of the doors slamming in my face). So... I am starting anew... with these written passages, in addition to my rededication to the visual depiction of my world through my camera. And since this image was the last one I posted in 2007, what better way to pick up!
So, as they say... "here goes nothing."